Thursday, December 31, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
OPO-MAD-Ryanair
I can not believe what just happened. I am trapped in a Ryanair flight, and I just heard a J2O advertisement adapted for the current circumstance. Did I just say adapted I mean bloody made on purpose. You made it to the airport, through check in. Through the passport control and on to the gate. So now the most difficult is through, sit back relax and enjoy a J2O.
I wish I could, on current planes the space between seats is so small that you can't even move back your sit. So small that even the life vest has to be located above your head. You are just thankful for the seat being slightly higher so that your need for leg room is diminished. As is your will to live in such an environment.
Would love to fall asleep but the endless mantra aimed and softening my will and opening my wallet is preventing me from even going to screen saver mode. Its 7:06 and I got up at 4:15 to make it for this flight. There is something wrong with the universe. Ah yes I forgot, its Christmas.
Now the latest of ads is made by a stewardess that although she seems to have a subtle French accent her screechy voice through the announcement system reminds me of a army officer I never met but I am sure I would hate to ever meet.
Next in line is the Captain speaking a bunch of figures currently related to our flight status. I do not care, I used to as a kid, I just want to sleep. I just want for things to be quiet so that I can catch up with my lack of sleep for making to such an early flight.
Of course since the sun is rising you do get more turbulence so I am happy that I do not need to move around and that I have something to focus on, like this text I am typing. The joys of modern day flying.
Oh I just saw the stewardess in question with the subtle French accent. Girl all those early morning flights have left you in severe need of Botox, hope you can afford it on your current wage.
Faint fluffy clouds appear on the window, and there have been no more announcements. Sorry as I just typing that they just reminded us that this is a non smoking flight, but that smokeless cigarettes are available for sale. WTF???? I just want you to shut up. Air rage has always been an alien concept to me, now I begin to envisage how it could come to mind. Strangling a ryanair crew member does take on its appeal under the current circumstances.
More fluffy clouds appear as there is another spell of silence, and as I notice that an automated message is played. Now it is scratch cards. What will it be next? I just hope its a lap dance.
Some mastermind designed this very carefully. I will own your wallet, I will own your wallet. We are just sitting pigeons, incapable of sleep, incapable of resisting the mantra aimed and softening our will. Incapable. All I am expecting next is for the announcement to be Resistance is Futile. Your wallet will be assimilated.
Oh I can not believe my ears all that I am hearing is a child crying, are we back to normality, yet? Will they let us sleep as we fly over the iberic peninsula at 7:21.
Oh well there was a ping. And the captain just switched on the fasten your seatbelt sign. Of course there is an announcement associated to it.
Now another one: cabin crew 10 minutes, 10 minutes. I can not believe my ears in 10 minutes we will be landing. So I will be delivered to another beast. Barajas airport. And then fed to another grinder, another ryain flight.
Time to go, got to fold the table.
Then as the plane touches the ground and I get this feeling of liberation I get to hear a trumpet sound. Another ryanair flight has arrived on time. Wow auto patting in the shoulder is one of those marketing stunts that do not cost too much money, or do they.
If I started suing for loss on reality, and mental sanity in the space of 50 minutes it should cost them a fortune in lawsuits.
Then people are asked to remain seated until the fasten you seat belt is switched off. OK simple rules of engagement, why do you need to explain three times the same concept. Sign on you stay in your seat. Sign off you can feel free to wonder around. Its not as if it was a sign indicating that they may be a sudden decay of subatomic particles and that you have to walk like an Egyptian to avoid being irradiated to a sudden death. Its just a seat belt. (It is left as an exercise to the reader to draw what such a sign would look like)
Then the sequence of events is the same as for sheep in an abattoir. We just got processed and have to be processed again in another system. We just follow the mass. I have to refrain myself from starting to say beeeee beeee. Finally we get to a room where the luggage appears. We pick it up. Check the check in time and counter for the next flight. Ah yeah I forgot, no luggage logistics for connecting flights. And then we sit and we wait for the desk to open.
Its like being out of hell, and then waiting in the purgatory for another slice of hell. Hopefully this second time around I will not care so much. I should be anesthetized and I should not care about the wallet mantra.
I wish I could, on current planes the space between seats is so small that you can't even move back your sit. So small that even the life vest has to be located above your head. You are just thankful for the seat being slightly higher so that your need for leg room is diminished. As is your will to live in such an environment.
Would love to fall asleep but the endless mantra aimed and softening my will and opening my wallet is preventing me from even going to screen saver mode. Its 7:06 and I got up at 4:15 to make it for this flight. There is something wrong with the universe. Ah yes I forgot, its Christmas.
Now the latest of ads is made by a stewardess that although she seems to have a subtle French accent her screechy voice through the announcement system reminds me of a army officer I never met but I am sure I would hate to ever meet.
Next in line is the Captain speaking a bunch of figures currently related to our flight status. I do not care, I used to as a kid, I just want to sleep. I just want for things to be quiet so that I can catch up with my lack of sleep for making to such an early flight.
Of course since the sun is rising you do get more turbulence so I am happy that I do not need to move around and that I have something to focus on, like this text I am typing. The joys of modern day flying.
Oh I just saw the stewardess in question with the subtle French accent. Girl all those early morning flights have left you in severe need of Botox, hope you can afford it on your current wage.
Faint fluffy clouds appear on the window, and there have been no more announcements. Sorry as I just typing that they just reminded us that this is a non smoking flight, but that smokeless cigarettes are available for sale. WTF???? I just want you to shut up. Air rage has always been an alien concept to me, now I begin to envisage how it could come to mind. Strangling a ryanair crew member does take on its appeal under the current circumstances.
More fluffy clouds appear as there is another spell of silence, and as I notice that an automated message is played. Now it is scratch cards. What will it be next? I just hope its a lap dance.
Some mastermind designed this very carefully. I will own your wallet, I will own your wallet. We are just sitting pigeons, incapable of sleep, incapable of resisting the mantra aimed and softening our will. Incapable. All I am expecting next is for the announcement to be Resistance is Futile. Your wallet will be assimilated.
Oh I can not believe my ears all that I am hearing is a child crying, are we back to normality, yet? Will they let us sleep as we fly over the iberic peninsula at 7:21.
Oh well there was a ping. And the captain just switched on the fasten your seatbelt sign. Of course there is an announcement associated to it.
Now another one: cabin crew 10 minutes, 10 minutes. I can not believe my ears in 10 minutes we will be landing. So I will be delivered to another beast. Barajas airport. And then fed to another grinder, another ryain flight.
Time to go, got to fold the table.
Then as the plane touches the ground and I get this feeling of liberation I get to hear a trumpet sound. Another ryanair flight has arrived on time. Wow auto patting in the shoulder is one of those marketing stunts that do not cost too much money, or do they.
If I started suing for loss on reality, and mental sanity in the space of 50 minutes it should cost them a fortune in lawsuits.
Then people are asked to remain seated until the fasten you seat belt is switched off. OK simple rules of engagement, why do you need to explain three times the same concept. Sign on you stay in your seat. Sign off you can feel free to wonder around. Its not as if it was a sign indicating that they may be a sudden decay of subatomic particles and that you have to walk like an Egyptian to avoid being irradiated to a sudden death. Its just a seat belt. (It is left as an exercise to the reader to draw what such a sign would look like)
Then the sequence of events is the same as for sheep in an abattoir. We just got processed and have to be processed again in another system. We just follow the mass. I have to refrain myself from starting to say beeeee beeee. Finally we get to a room where the luggage appears. We pick it up. Check the check in time and counter for the next flight. Ah yeah I forgot, no luggage logistics for connecting flights. And then we sit and we wait for the desk to open.
Its like being out of hell, and then waiting in the purgatory for another slice of hell. Hopefully this second time around I will not care so much. I should be anesthetized and I should not care about the wallet mantra.
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