Silence

Recently my life has been spent in silence.

Just the sound of keys on a keyboard or the loud music from a crowded debauchery place.
Very recently a new sound has appeared. A subtle voice with a southern accent that fills the silence with whispers and tender words. I feel blessed and cradled in that new sound. I feel comfort and happiness, warmth and safety. I feel united and no longer alone. Its far more than anyone can hope for. I just feel blessed its happening to me.

A spark

Brief moments of happiness, like little sparks are what turn a gray cold day into a sunny warm one. A conversation, a smile, a mere presence turns things around with such ease. Sometimes things are better left unsaid, but the fire that burns inside makes the water of the feelings boil and sends a moist subtle perfume into the air. Words are never enough to describe this feeling. Courage and decision is what is required now, tact subtlety and fun just have to be inherent parts of it all.

I know how this is all a replay of moments past, the sense of deja vu is omnipresent, yet even if the universe is completely unaware of us, we still feel and that makes us alive. That makes us run against a wall hoping that this time we will stop in the warm and tender arms of someone we love and not the hard reality.

This is the story of a man falling from the 50th floor of a building,
he is repeating to himself. Jusqu'ici tout va bien (So far so good).
But the important thing is not how you fall. Its how you land.



For this time I will forget about all the stories of the past, forget all the bitterness that has accumulated over the years. Forget about the Deja vu and go with the flow.

Wish me luck. Matilde est revenue.



Yet the worse thing that can happen is just : Jeff.

Time distorts the finner structure of the universe

People come and go, appear and disappear out of life like characters on a screen. In the cinema of life, like on the big screen, each character is introduced and dismissed by using some formal rules. In life such events are just played without a script.

Last night was a pretty special as some stories from the past had to be dealt with on an emergency basis. The rush of adrenaline the turmoil that ensues, oh joy oh joy, feeling alive and thinking on my two feet.
About the technicalities, for the time being it shall suffice to say that, a final dot had to be put on a sentence that was left open, yet unwritten, several months ago. The dot is there, lives can move on. No book is written without shedding ink, and it is painful at times to do so. Yet no stories are told without drama. And that is all last night was, a drama lived in the Merlijn.

Its official...

The fine structure of the universe has been condensing for quite some time.
Things have lately just taken good twists and turns, without me doing anything to control or influence them.

Life now feels great like a big box of chocolates, to be honest.
Nothing more shall be revealed at this stage, much work is still to be done.

The classics never loose their value...

They just take a new shine.

The last few days have been eventful to say the least. Being reunited with some old friends is always a good occasion. Noticing that you can feel pain again is priceless.

Edith Piaf
Mon manège à moi

Tu me fais tourner la tête
Mon manège à moi, c'est toi
Je suis toujours à la fête
Quand tu me tiens dans tes bras

Je ferais le tour du monde
Ça ne tournerait pas plus que ça
La terre n'est pas assez ronde
Pour m'étourdir autant que toi...

Ah! Ce qu'on est bien tous les deux
Quand on est ensemble nous deux
Quelle vie on a tous les deux
Quand on s'aime comme nous deux

On pourrait changer de planète
Tant que j'ai mon cœur près du tien
J'entends les flons-flons de la fête
Et la terre n'y est pour rien

Ah oui! Parlons-en de la terre
Pour qui elle se prend la terre?
Ma parole, y a qu'elle sur terre!!
Y a qu'elle pour faire tant de mystères!

Mais pour nous y a pas d'problèmes
Car c'est pour la vie qu'on s'aime
Et si y avait pas de vie, même,
Nous on s'aimerait quand même

Car...
Tu me fais tourner la tête
Mon manège à moi, c'est toi
Je suis toujours à la fête
Quand tu me tiens dans tes bras

Je ferais le tour du monde
Ça ne tournerait pas plus que ça
La terre n'est pas assez ronde...
Mon manège à moi, c'est toi!

A tiny little spark is all you need

I will just put the video and the lyrics of the song.
How I got to meet it is another story which may or not be told.

ROYKSOPP
Sparks

No matter gay or grim;
it's those tiny little sparks
daily life that makes me
forget my wounded heart

It doesn't matter when
it may rain or it may shine
blurred memories of us
come back from time to time

No matter gay or grim;
it's those tiny little sparks
daily life that makes me
forget my soaky heart

It doesn't matter when
it may rain or it may shine
you will always be here
stored inside my mind.

What can I say... it feels good to find this sort of gems.

The pains of growing up

Halfway to the bottom- Aqualung

You're either dipping your toe
Or you're drowning
You're either dipping your toe
Or you're drowning
Is it better never to start
Than to bear the pain
Of having to stop
Of having to stop

Halfway to the bottom
Instantly forgotten

I never thought it would come
So easy
I never thought it would go
So quickly
Is it safer never to love
Than to risk your heart
Having to lose
Having to lose

Halfway to the bottom
Instantly forgotten
I don't know
Which way to go

Is it wiser never to speak
Than to raise your voice
And never be heard
Never be heard
Never be heard

I made a decision 10 months ago to change everything. To throw my old self out of the window and out of the bits that I found when I hit the floor I am re-building, without re-inventing my new me. The decision was not carefully thought through and planned. But I am finally beginning to reach the point in which the lyrics of the above song do not apply anymore. And that feels good, very good. Its a few long days at work with several sad stories happening to people I care about. Now I have to start applying what I learn to other aspects.
Basis for this renaissance are some people I have met for which I should make more time. Just a few pints and a few glasses of "Rusty Nail" with them have gone a long way in that direction. What can I say, I am starting to stand up again. Falling at this point is compulsory, and indeed that already happened.

Is this life then?

I don't know but this video definitely did touch me.
The pursuit through hard work and pain of a moment of bliss.
Is that moment really worth it?

Really thousands of versions and related content out there... so browse around.

Existential time

Existential time, originally uploaded by Prozak is gone.

Whenever you expect it the least you meet people that are open, with whom you talk about things you do not normally talk about. The things that matter deep down. The sort of exchange that only happens amongst sufferers of a very unique condition: Insomnia. The picture was not from yesterday but from a while ago. I do no longer enjoy the company of this old fairy of mine. But I surely recognise its effects in my life, all those nights of endless thinking with not much new to discover have finally paid of. Insomnia has become an asset now that it is gone. Who would have thought so? Who would have told me back then that benefits would have been derived from that suffering? I am thankful to a person I met last night for teaching me this.

Lets hope we bump again into each others path. Ubuntu, its so true.

And then you find this sort of thing

Gender differences? Not really.

Holiday snaps

A lot of people have been asking to see holiday pics from my last few days in Spain.
And repeatedly have asked for them to be on the blog. This may not be the best pic ever but at least it will provide some calm to the people that inquired. If not ... well. Its life!!!

Belonging

As a rolling stone cultural identity and ethnicity become very difficult to identify and express. Yet they are vital elements of the configuration of a person. We exist through our interactions and the footprints we leave along the way. It is the that remnant in the other peoples life that makes it all function. That makes you be alive. Now some people you interact with leave bigger footprints than others, not everyone is the same and sometimes you connect better. In this camp the people are different, even if we all come from the four corners of the planet we share more in common than with our life long neighbours. It feels like this is my country, a country without borders, that does not exist. A country which only materializes itself when the people of that country get together. Its like finding your ethnicity, finding your clan. Well now that a stronger part of the identity can be defined sorting the other elements in this life long search.

Thanks to all those involved in here and to all those that convinced me of coming here.

Feels good to find elements, feels good to find the ground.

Love thyself

Love thyself and stop looking in the mirror. Stop finding excuses for what you don't want to do or don't feel like doing. Choose what you can to do in order to excel. Be done with the boring things quick and free time up for the interesting. The sleepy days of the teenager have to be long gone. The fear, the insecurities all that will prevent you from just being there and doing things has to leave. The non realistic things that make you promise. The word has to be as strong as Oak. And above all...... don't care about the others. Be as you are, even if you are not ware of it. Think enough, but do not over-think, live, enjoy be clean, be merry and happy.

I a few words just be. And stop thinking about being. And do not escape do not run away, be happy with thyself. All other elements will fall into place as they do and if not who cares.

On a warm summer night

It is pleasant how the long summer evenings yield to a calmness that puts the body at rest and the mind in thought. It was in evenings like this that I found the inspiration to write through the ages. I can consider myself privileged by the situations that I have found myself in, yet somewhere deep down I could have always done better. Yet in nights like this the synchrony comes back and feel like saying thanks. For a moment of tranquility has been upon me. A moment of pure calm. A moment of freedom, peace and pleasure. Sharing it just makes it all the better.

The air we breath

We all need air, we all replenish ourselves with every inhalation of this transparent non smelling substance that we bathe in. Yet every breath brings us closer to our end, scientific and metaphysically speaking. The air we breath like the water that we drink makes us and shapes the way we are. We are the putty in their hands, the four elements configure us. Yet when one moves or is moved around from one part of the planet to the other those elements change in their configuration. And we deeply feel those changes inside us. We miss the air we used to breath. We miss the water, the fire and the earth that saw us to life. We just wish and hope that the new ones will become a stepping stone for the next step. Yet as we do this we keep on breathing. We keep on dying. I met someone this week-end that seemed to be in lack of some old airs. I wish that we can carry on enjoying each others airs, for a while at least.

The past the future the tiredness

I am really far away from the point of no return in terms of mental sanity. I was blogging about bipolarity earlier. But do not worry out there, I am not about to start a fight club or anything like that. This is all part of the growing up process that I am undertaking. I need some time and space to find myself and I have to admit I am beginning to get the knack of things. At one stage or the other I will manage.

Bumping into some friends in the most unlikely place for them has helped. It has enlighten me as to how I was and what has changed in me. I am happy with the changes I just can not wait to be out of this phase and be done with my new self.
Many upgrades are needed but the end result is beginning to look promising.

So lets bring it on you mutta and lets rock this place!!!

Flexibility bad consciousness and bipolarity

Of late I have come to think that I may be suffering from some sort of bipolarity. One moment all is fine the next I plummet to the bottom of an abyss. The mood swing is usually associated with a problem, most commonly a technical one. When I am at rock bottom my brain stops to work, and i make mistakes. Those mistakes are beginning to bear its tall. Last week, on Thursday, I had to make a call that hurt me badly. I had to cancel my trip to London. It was the right call as I have managed to do what is needed for Monday and get some precious sleep.

It just sucks that I have switch back to this live to work mode. I can not achieve the work life balance that I would need to. I have switched back to be an absolute rookie. And I still have much to learn in the trade. Not all systems are the same, not all schools are similar. This is the old school way. The only reason why I chose this job. So I just have to grin and bear it.

I have always been bipolar when my brain is evolving, I guess it is part of how I am. I need energy to stabilize my moods. Well it wont be a pretty sight but I will make it through.

This just feels like I am about to get my wings of honour and they will shine nicely on my shoulder when I finally get them.

All my apologies to those I wanted to see this week-end I will be back shortly.

Travelling through time

The last week-end has been full of intense moments. From work to the last 2 days that I spent in Paris. I went to the wedding of two ex-colleagues of mine. They have kid called Clement and I wish them all three all the love that they deserve. I also slept, by pure chance, in the same hotel that the whole UK chapter started with. I was left stranded in Paris on my way to visit my girlfriend at the time. I changed my ticket to the next day. Jumped on a cab and asked the taxi driver to bring to the closest hotel with a room available. No booking, no shit, pure traveler style. I ended up at the Mercure Paris Bercy hotel. No high class but a suitable hole to spend a night. In that night I was aware of the trouble that I was in. Eight years later I look back and realised that the best thing that happened to me was to get kicked out of that university. The last eight years of my life have been amazing. I thank all the people that have come and gone. Some of them, most, I am not in touch with anymore. I guess its the price to pay to make it all that interesting.

Its either this or the old adage: "You know you are getting old, when you begin to get this sence of deja vu". Thanks Sona for that one, its a pity I let you go. I apologise.

Codenix c'est moi?

I must spend so much time in front of a keyboard that when my hands are not on one they feel itchy. Some people may call it professional deformation I just call it my life style. A life style which I like, I enjoy. Its not that I am a workaholic, far from that. I just must have fallen into a cauldron of source-code when I was a kid and the rest just came after. Lets enjoy the ride then...

My next time in London will be....

I have tickets, I have need, I am indeed going to London again.... For all of you out there I will be in London 15th to 17th of June. People I missed last time have priority but group gatherings will be of the essence. I will try to see more people this time even if I have less time.

Lets Rock and Roll London here I go.

The joys of work

The last few days have brought back memories of an earlier life. Yet those memories are not all painful. There is an inexplicable joy in solving problems, in bringing the brain to full gear, and see the obstacles one by one fall along the path.

New tools, new challenges and the inexplicable pain associated with them just fades out as the fears of the unknown give way to the rush of the success. How to put it, this week I have realised why I like my job. Yet I've had to pull out of my mind plenty of other things that where around. To submerge them into the dark waters hoping for them not to rot. There more you do, the more you can do. The upwards spiral has started, lets see how long it lasts.

Did I just hit a wall

The resonance of the week-end has faded away, no means to connect no means to contact. Am I really this frail? I feel like listening to Portishead but that will just make me sink deeper and I may not hit the wall but the damn floor. Love without pain isn't really romance!!!
I guess I still feel like I am 16... I just have to enjoy the mushiness.

And when you expect it the least....

You meet a kindred spirit. A soul that resonates upon each kiss, upon each caress, upon each glance. Last night I felt special again, last night I was 16 again.... Last night the storm ended and I went back to life. Thanks to all those involved for making it possible. Thanks to you sweet soul for showing me the path. We will always have Amsterdam.

The most strange oddity

It is warm and cloudy outside if it wasn't for the wind I'd say is the calm before the storm. Inside the sun shines, although a little cloud did show up this morning. Turned my back to it and off it went, perhaps where it came from, perhaps to a brand new place. I just want it not to be back for a while. Let me enjoy my suffering alone.

Its cloudy again

Its cloudy again, and hell has been unleashed.... with a little bit of luck we can make it through the week-end. Oh the joys of work after a holiday. The end is near, one last week-end of hell and then the sun will shine hopefully if not forever for another while.

And the best thing is....

To find the true value of friends. That assist you no matter what, that help you understand yourself, the others and the world as it stands. Hamburg was one of those magic times that I hope to repeat soon if not often. Thanks to all those involved. There was bug in my line of thinking and you not only help me identify it you also helped me fix it. That is what friends are for and you are definitely second to none.

And the worse thing is....

not to know really what it is that you want in your life. To be so confused that any interpretation of it just makes sense instantly. If only I could debug myself to trace through my feelings and find what it is that I am truly after. To stop the emotional threads that shake all my being, to watch my internal state, to resurface with a clear idea of what it is that I am after. Or at least with ownership of the whole thing. At the end of the day this is my life, and I don't even know where to start looking for answers.

Is this the true curse of the lover of complexity? Because if it is.... no one near or far will be spared, and the distinct moss that I described in an earlier post, may just not shield you, may just not be enough.

I am just after some human touch: If all the statues in the world will turn to flesh with teeth of pearl.... will they be kind enough to comfort me?

Pleasant Dreams

I do not know if its pure coincidence but the name of a band in my home town, yes I refer to it like that even if I never lived there, is Pleasant Dreams. I bough at one of their gigs a t-shirt with their name and a bicycle .... Oh boy how can they be so right.

The emotional turmoil of which the previous post is all but a mere reflection is gone. Well a good 20 minute cycle ride listening to Eels can fix a persons mind. Nietzche was right, music is the most depraved of all forms of art for it manages to trigger feelings completely by-passing the rational par of the brain. I guess the hormones, have to check their name, secreted as part of the exercise did the rest.

If only our minds where not so frail. Then we may just not be Hiperboreans any more, we may be perfect.

In matters of the heart

In matters of the heart memories are difficult to handle.
In matters of the heart all else is subdued.
What is reality, what is myth, what is desire?
Which way to go when memories of the past unveil the hidden torrents?

The truth is: I do not know what to do...
Can you help me, my old friend?
Can you put some sense in me, or is it time to go full tilt, to live and regret what happened and not the lack of events.

Dear_Juan

Dear_Juan, originally uploaded by Prozak is gone.

I send the after of me, and i get this one in response. I miss you guys I miss you all!!!!!

After

After, originally uploaded by Prozak is gone.

Tonight in my new flat in Hengelo. Similar sort of setup, the pattern of truth has emerged. I have found myself again, happy again?

Before

Before, originally uploaded by Prozak is gone.

About a year ago in Virginia Waters.

Statues

Statues, originally uploaded by Prozak is gone.

So goodnight my dear
Hope you’re feeling well
Hope your’re feeling very clear
In this song and rhyme
Thoughts of changes that
Keep ourselves intact

And yes
It’s hard to fake but I’m faltering
In the steps I’m about to take
I am sure it’s true
What is all for me is much the same to you

If all the statues in the world
Would turn to flesh with teeth of pearl
Would they be kind enough to comfort me
The setting sun is set in stone
And it remains for me alone
To carve my own and set it free

So we wait and see
How this backward chapter reads
In verse inadvertently
And it feels like fading light
But that’s all that’s left

Only what’s left is right

If all the statues in the world
Would turn to flesh with teeth of pearl
Would they be kind enough to comfort me
The setting sun is set in stone
And it remains for me alone
To carve my own and set it free

Jumping from a balloon
A carried aloft by a parachute in june
Twisting round and round
Well I hope the ground is what you find

The setting sun is set in stone
And it remains for me alone
To carve my own and set it free

(Moloko)

Celebrating

Celebrating, originally uploaded by Prozak is gone.

Well am I lucky or what. I am living an event of unprecedented proportions. The good old Grolsch bottle just had an extreme make over but the beer is the same. Oh, good old Grolsch.

It is not rainig outside...

It is not rainig outside..., originally uploaded by Prozak is gone.

No, it is not raining outside.
Each droplet of water clinging to my window is the tear of an angel.
Some cry for the Moon.
Some cry for the Sun.
Some cry for their hearts are broken.
To forget.
To repair.
To dry.
To stop.
To leave the life in endless happiness.
To get used.
To smile, and make others smile.
To love, and be loved.
Have the strength to treat each tear as a happy moment.
For it is after the rain that the Sun and the Moon come out to dance.
They hide.
They seek.
They break and mend the hearts.
It is the tears that wash away the pain.
It is the tears that make us strong.
It is the tears that make us love.
The pain.
The hurt.
They do not last long.
They leave just a slight tingle that makes it all even more worthwhile the next time.
The next time it will not rain.
The next time the angels will play with the Moon and the stars.
Sadly the rain will not...

Did I ever leave London?

I am just back in London for a week-end, allegedly to sort mail and banking stuff. Saturday morning went past and I could not even get close to a high street. The Monday will be more productive, or so I hope. Procrastinating whilst on holiday is one of my specialties, the less I do, the less I want to do.

However being back in London has brought this sort of strange feeling upon me. I never left this city, I come back to the places and they are all the same, not much has changed. I miss the people, but its like I never left. Its like London will not be the same as when I arrived, I walk through the streets I go to the pubs. The faces, the places all have memories attached to them. A story waiting to be told for each coble stone. Being away from London has made London better, I get more out of this place in a week-end in terms of re-fueling than I ever used to.

I am sure things will be similar in a few months or years in Twente, its just a question of time to settle in, to discover and enjoy. Lets pick it all up with a vengeance, lets drive beyond driven, lets boldly split infinitives. London your kisses will be missed but the further and far between they appear in my life, the more they mean to me.

Sofa bed

Sofa bed, originally uploaded by Prozak is gone.

After a bit more than two months I have finally managed to get a sofa. Its big its read and it does not hang off trees. For those of you that have the link to the Sofa availability web calendar this is where you will be staying.
The lounge is now complete, perhaps a reading light and a coffee table may be the next additions, but for those there is no rush.

Settling in bit by bit.

A rolling stone gets a distinct moss...

I do not know if it related to me being back in the continent or to me rather having more time for myself, but lately I have been more in touch with people from my past.
That is not the people from the UK, my recent past, but from the true past before I left for Brussels. Some are old school friends, some of them have married, some others are people I worked with at the radio station, some I met in the good old Brummy land. Whoever said that a rolling stone gets no moss did not have the slightest clue...

It is true that a lot of people are left behind as you move on, but most don't. Thanks to all of those that have gotten back in touch with me. To those that have told me how sad I was not to be in touch with them. From now on I promise to keep in touch more regularly. Yes, I will now have the time.

Long time no post

Well, yes. Again I have take a break from blogging. This time because I have changed country. After my last company went bust, which had been forecasted when I joined. Now i am back in the continent as it is said back in the UK. I am in Holland, new job, new rented flat. and I am celebrating having the internet with this post. Life is smiling once more, I like new places, I like new challenges. So watch this space there are plenty of pictures and other goodies.

Tadaaaa